


None Of Your Business

by AlabamaAragorn, shiawasena_neko



Category: Sleepy Hollow (1999), Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlabamaAragorn/pseuds/AlabamaAragorn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiawasena_neko/pseuds/shiawasena_neko
Summary: Ichabod Crane is a police officer living in Kimmy Schmidt's New York.
Kudos: 2





	None Of Your Business

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to AlabamaAragorn for beta'ing this and coming up with the idea!

“I think we should put more seashells on the table,” Kimmy said, as she surveyed the apartment. The walls were covered with blue and tan paper, cut to look like ocean waves on a beach, and there was a drink stand set up that included things like tiny beach umbrella stirrers. 

“Yeah, yeah. How’s this bathing suit look? Gonna get me a lover tonight!” Lillian winked at her.

Kimmy noted that Lillian was wearing a two piece that consisted of a green plastic hula skirt and a plastic coconut bra. 

“Very beachy,” Kimmy answered. Being more modest, she had on a red one piece with white polka dots, and a red sarong skirt.

Lillian grinned, “This’ll be the best party ever!”

“And you don’t think celebrating that rival informant getting run over by a float in the Mermaid Parade is a little bit… morbid?” Kimmy asked.

“Psh,” Lilian waved her away. “Everyone hates Johnny Schmatz, it’s a win win scenario. The thugs don’t have to see him and I get more business. That fifty dollars I paid to the float driver was money well spent. Now go make me a rum and coke!”

Kimmy nodded and did as she was told.

00

A few blocks over, Ichabod sat in his patrol car, listening to the radio operator.

“We have a large male sunbathing nude in Parkridge Cemetery… Again,” the operator stated.

Ichabod sighed. 

“Titus. I’m on it.” He answered. 

He parked outside the cemetery gates and pulled his bag from the car before heading in. It wasn’t too hard to find Titus. He simply followed the trail of people walking out with stunned and horrified expressions.

He found Titus set up on a lounge chair next to a grave, on top of which he had perched a radio and a drink. As the complaint stated, he was fully nude.

“Titus!” Ichabod said, scaring the man enough to where he jumped up and fell off of his chair.

“Officer Crane! You don’t have to yell like that!”

Ichabod glared at him. “We’ve gotten another complaint. We’ve talked about this. What did I say about nude sunbathing in the cemetery?”

Titus sighed. “‘Even the dead don’t deserve that.’ But come on, the sun is best here, where else can 

you get such a nice glow without paying a premium?”

“I’m not sure, but you can’t do it here. It’s rude and disrespectful.”

Titus rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like ‘you’re rude and disrespectful’. 

Ichabod ignored it.

“Come on, get your clothes on and leave. I won’t take you in.”

Titus frowned. “That’s the thing.”

Ichabod sighed loudly. 

“The raccoon stole your clothes again?”

“He did! And that thing is mean!” Titus pointed at a tree, wherein sat a large raccoon who watched them as he slowly tore apart Titus’ shirt, an evil glint in his eye.

Titus shivered. He wouldn’t dare fight that thing off again. It wasn’t worth it. It had taken weeks for the scratches to heal from last time.

“Thankfully I’ve prepared for that.” Ichabod opened his bag and took out a pair of gray sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He tossed them at Titus.

“Free clothes. It’s your lucky day,” Ichabod told him.

Titus quickly put the items on, and looked himself over.

“Would it have killed you to get something with some color, Officer Drab?”

“Titus!” Ichabod warned.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. I’m going.”

“I’ll give you a ride home.” Ichabod offered.

00

They pulled up outside of Titus and Kimmy’s apartment to see a party going on in full swing.

“Must be celebrating Johnny Schmatz breaking his legs,” Ichabod noted. He knew how much Lillian hated him, and would not have been surprised if she had a hand in his injury.

As he stepped out to look around, Kimmy exited the building. 

“Officer Crane!” She greeted him, smiling. “How are you?”

Seeing her in a bathing suit brought the memories back to Ichabod, and he recalled the first time he had met Kimmy.

He had been chasing a thief on a pier when the man had run into a sharp crate, cutting himself. Blood was everywhere and the site of it made Ichabod’s stomach turn. Taking a deep breath, he’d forced himself to proceed with caution, though he still felt dizzy. This was why he missed the second large spill of blood, which he slipped on, causing him to fall into the water.

He remembered hitting the water, and feeling cold, but nothing else. He must have passed out after a few seconds. The next thing he knew, he was on a pier once again, with a young woman standing over him.

“Well, he’s not a mannequin or a hobo!” The young woman said, apparently addressing her backpack. She seemed to listen for a response from it before speaking again.

“I can see that he’s waking up, Jan. We need to help him.” 

Kimmy pulled him to a sitting position before kneeling next to him.

“Are you okay, officer?”

Ichabod blinked, stunned.

“W-what happened?”

“I thought you were a mannequin and maybe there were some more free clothes on you, so I pulled you in,” Kimmy explained.

“I see. I think you may have saved my life.” He said, trying to stand up.

Kimmy held out a hand and helped him to his feet. 

“Our good deed for today,” Kimmy said, smiling at her backpack.

Ichabod squinted his eyes at her.

“Why are you talking to that bag?”

“Oh, that’s just Jan. She’s my best friend!” Kimmy told him, smiling.

“I see. Did you perhaps get lost from Bellevue? I can give you a ride back, I’m sure the doctors are very worried about you.”

“Bellevue?” Kimmy questioned. “Oh, I don’t live near there. I live with Titus. Thanks, though!”

Ichabod studied her, unsure what to make of her.

“Well, let me help you home. It’s the least I can do, after all.”

00

“You there?” Someone asked, waving their hand in front of Ichabod’s face. “He’s out of it. You sure he wasn’t smoking some of that evidence?” Lillian asked Titus. “They all do that, you know.”

Ichabod returned his mind to the present day.

“I’m here. I was just remembering the first time I met Kimmy.”

“Yeah, right,” Lillian mimicked smoking a joint. “You’re so out of it you didn’t even notice that rat gnawing at your shoe.”

Ichabod glanced down and noticed that indeed, there was a large sewer rat chewing on his shoe. 

“Ack!” He kicked it off, shivering. He hated rats. Anything creepy crawly tended to get to him.

“And that’s how you can tell he’s not from here,” Lillian said. “He’s so afraid of rats. All you cops are the same. Bastards who never lived here. You killed my husband in ‘72 and I’ll never forgive you for it!”

Ichabod sighed.

“Lillian, _you_ killed your husband in ‘72. And I was born here!”

“Well if you’d arrived on time, maybe you coulda saved him!” Lillian spat back.

“I wasn’t even alive in 1972!” Ichabod shook his head. It wasn’t worth arguing with Lillian. Better to move on to a different subject.

“What’s the party for?”

“Celebrating Johnny Schmatz gettin’ his legs broken!” Lillian answered. “You wanna come in?”

Ichabod was always amused by how Lillian could go from hating someone to inviting them to a party.

“Thank you, but I’ve got to get home to Katrina,” He replied.

“Oh, the blonde broad? She’s here!” Lillian walked to the window. “Katrina! Your husband is here!” She shouted.

A moment later Katrina appeared wearing a black two piece with a lei around her neck and a purple sarong around her waist. She was holding a drink with a small umbrella in it.

“Ichabod!” She ran to him and kissed him. 

“Why are you here?” Ichabod questioned, confused. 

“Jaqueline invited me. You should come join us! Robert’s telling us all about how he decapitated his ex wife! And there’s barbecue, too.”

Ichabod cringed, but the idea of Katrina in a bikini and some barbeque was too good to resist. He supposed he could join in just for a bit.

He made his way inside and was instantly greeted by Dong, Mikey, and several other party goers.

00

Three hours later, another patrol car pulled up outside. The officer got out and looked around, noting the conga line making its way out the door and down the street.

“Excuse me!” He said, trying to find the person who owned the place. “We got a noise complaint.”

Then someone sitting on the stoop caught his eye. 

“Ichabod?!” 

Ichabod was dressed in swim trunks and a t-shirt, and was sipping what looked like a mai-tai while talking to….

“You’re hangin’ out with Robert Durst?” The cop asked.

Ichabod jumped, hearing the voice. Robert stared at the officer and burped.

“Just… getting an interview.” Ichabod replied, blushing. 

“With Robert Durst, in a party, in your bathing suit, holding a drink.”

“Technically it’s Dong’s bathing suit. I didn’t have one.”

“I see.”

There was an awkward silence.

“Would you like to join in?” Ichabod finally asked.

The cop looked around, then looked at his watch.

“Eh. Yeah, I got my break comin’ up. Why not.”

Ichabod smiled and led him inside.


End file.
